From Gaming to Life： Jay Gets Real About Transitioning - Error Code Show

0:01 Last week, we kind of ended the show with a huge cliffhanger and yeah, that's it. Any questions? No kidding. Okay. So yeah, last week there was a question, you know, asking what are our genders? And we stated them. Some people had some questions and we didn't really answer that. We just kind of like dropped it. We were like, Tune in next week. Have fun by which dog dad has pointed out in chat already. You know, hey, I thought we were going to talk about this. We were we were just waiting for waiting for more people to kind of come in. Because right around this time, I think is like kind of when we peak on Twitch and YouTube and stuff. So anyways, yeah. So I think a lot of people were kind of Shocked, I guess when I said like, yeah, my pronouns are they them? Especially since for the majority of this show, I'm. Yeah, I had a pretty big beard and I was as Alex put a pretty big guy. I think I think the beard thing was the first thing that really shocked them. I think that was the bird to be fair, the first week that you had shaved the beard, that was that was where everybody went, huh? What's up? Yeah, and I even had at

1:31 work the director of marketing say, oh my gosh, you shaved your beard. That is pretty much your brand. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, and I know you're in MBA school and changing your brand can be kind of a hard thing to do. Also not getting on a tangent here, but if you look at how Cracker Barrel tried to change their band brand, it didn't really work out. They lost over a hundred million dollars very quickly. By the way, by the way, by the way. That's a crazy story that I can't wait to talk about and probably like my next MBA class. But because I know that's going to come up. Yeah. So they then. Where did that come from? Well, pretty much. Alex is really pushing for five thousand subs on YouTube, and he said the only way we're going to get there is if we have if it's not two guys on this podcast. So here we are. I had nothing to do with this. I'm kidding. That was a joke. But. Yeah, so a long story short. I am just exploring my gender, which a lot of people probably are not going to understand that. Like,

3:03 what does that mean? And honestly, like, I don't even know fully what that means. I have been asked why now, you know, you're in your you're like mid thirties. Why are you exploring your gender now? Typically? That's something that happens like in your 20s I am and the easy answer here is Yeah, I grew up in Florida so when my doctor my doctor literally asked my doctor and this was probably the most Uncomfortable thing I have so far went through in my doctor asked, you know why now I am But as soon as I said, well, I'm from Florida I just recently moved to the Seattle area. He literally was like, oh, yeah, OK, never mind. That makes sense. Growing up in northwest Florida. You don't really explore things like this. Some people do. I had a few few of my friends go through this. And it did not go well for them. They were bullied, they were harassed. They were disowned. They were kicked out of their houses. And then they finally left Florida to come to a few of them came to the promised land of Seattle. That's kind of what put Seattle a little bit on the map, but

4:36 then also just traveling in general. My wife and I came out here at least three times on vacation before we decided to move. But Like, yeah, it's exploring my gender. I can say. First of all, Alex, do you have any questions so far or are there any questions in chat that you want to ask? Mostly, I'm seeing a lot of support in chat. A lot of people are saying I'll read off. Your journey is your journey. Jake West bravely venture boldly. Tip says they figured you were in self discovery mode, which I don't think is a bad way to put it. Somebody else in YouTube chat said facial hair is a bra for your jaw. Feels great to whip it off, which I loved. That was that was a good one. Mostly, again, the beard was the the shocking part. So far, again, a lot of a lot of support coming out of the chat. Yeah, well, thank you guys. I'm. Yeah, growing up, I am. I can say this. So my mother passed away three years ago. I grew up with my father. My father had a complete 100 % custody of me when I was in, I don't know, elementary school. I want to say around like the third grade. When

6:09 my mother, just before my mother passed away, She felt so horrible. I am and she told me she was like, you know, I feel I feel really bad. I feel like I left you and and I knew how your father was and and how he could be very abusive. I am and she said she was like, you know, when you were a kid, I thought we had hung out too much. So supposedly my mother would dress me up as a girl, put makeup on me. And I wanted to do girl things when I was a kid. So she she was like, I, you know, we thought you were gay as a child. But. This was this is kind of funny, but also really not. She was I think you playing soccer and then you going to church really helped you. And you became like the man you are today.

7:14 And that was like a huge knife into my side. I was like, oh crap. Because I do remember I am in elementary school. I made the mistake of asking there was like some sort of. Well, I don't know some sort of like limited doll, limited edition doll, and I asked for it for Christmas and it did not go over well. Let's just say that and. I'm growing up with my father. So I will say, I come from a military family without being a military family, if that makes sense. So my father wasn't in the military by the time I was born, but both my grandparents were in the military.

8:00 One side was a Marine. One side was a Ranger in World War II. My father was in the Army. And then my father became a police officer in Detroit during the 70s and then moved down to Florida and had me. So there is this my father also comes from the farm kind of lifestyle. So my father raised me how he thought I should be raised. I think he saw a couple of things. I think he saw a kid that was more like my mother than him and he did not like that. And also I think he saw a kid that growing up I was always really small and you could yell at me and I would just cry. So he saw like kind of a weak kid that needed to be tough enough if I was going to go out into the world. So, yeah, and that's what he kind of set out to do. So if I got in trouble for something stupid, like if I made a bad grade in a class, I would be punished for that physically.

9:24 And then once he was done, he would say, OK, now I'm going to punish you for crying. So I grew up. Really quickly learning not to be myself If I was going to survive I had to be who my dad wanted me to be I had to be who? Everyone else wanted me to be I am this worked out really really great growing up I became very popular had a lot of friends Even when I graduated I was able to get a job move up really quickly because if you If you work for like a corporation and you say I'll be whoever you want me to be.

10:10 And I'll work however many hours a week you want me to work. You're going to move up. Yeah. And you're you're reinforced. Right. I mean I went from living in a trailer growing up in a trailer growing up homeless to then all of a sudden buying a house at the age of 21. You get all of these things. You buy the nice car that you want to get. You buy all the things you want to get. You do all the things that you're supposed to do. You go out, you get married, you get a fancy engineering degree. But no matter what you do, you're never really, truly happy. And I think a couple of things happened. One. My entire family like passed away. So my father passed away. My mother passed away. And then we left Florida.

11:16 And I think once I got into a safe environment where people asked me like I don't like I'm not going to tell you who you are. Like I want to know who you are. And once I started, you know, kind of being involved with like LGBT Councils and stuff like that. I started opening up a little bit more and Obviously going through a lot of therapy I decided to start exploring my gender that I didn't really have the courage to when I was younger so I'm gonna pause there Alex. What do you think? I mean this obviously this this is not about me I have known about this for a little while not like forever, but for a little while Let me let me chime back in with some chat stuff for you though Somebody chat said they hope they're not out of line, but your dad sounds like an asshole You know Somebody said they're glad you got out of Florida. It won't be safe until Miami like breaks off to the Caribbean and everyone north of Miami Dade and Proud Counties runs like is gone migrates north. Semi serious question. Did the movie Fight Club speak to you? Right. I I've always really

12:49 liked Fight Club. I'm I'm kind of curious like why. Like. Why why the question I don't know Very good question. Oh, I I love that movie. I've seen it probably like a hundred times I mean I was gonna make a con that I I'm gonna backtrack that one joke there, but I'm leaving that one Hurray therapy fantasy football for your feelings. I like that one. That's a good one Yeah, so again a lot of a lot of support coming from our chat. Thank you chat for being so supportive and an understanding of this it's you know, again, we've been kind of mulling this one for a couple of weeks couple three weeks now about when to talk about it and then somebody asked last week in the chat what Jay's pronouns were and Jay just to clarify because I don't think we've we've kind of put a Hard button on that and somebody else did ask in the chat. Are we are we sticky with they them for now? Yeah, so they them I'm You know, I've I've I've been asked a lot for like, you know, oh, do you think you're like non -binary? Do you think you're trans? Do you think your gender fluid? And I don't know honestly, I really don't I'm I'm just sticking with they them for now and I will say

14:20 I am I changed at work. So my work is I They're a huge advocate for like pronouns putting your pronouns and your email signature Stuff like that. Um, so I sent an email to the Kind of a group of people I work with the closest letting them know that I was changing My pronouns today them very very brief reasoning why? Nothing this detailed And I primarily did that Because I like to joke around a lot I'm always like, I don't know the one that's making jokes laughing having a good time and I didn't want to Do something like wear more feminine clothing to work and then someone think it's a joke and like oh ha ha like like look at Jay like That's so funny and it's like no not a joke Primarily for kind of kind of to notify everyone like hey, this isn't a joke like I'm going through this like kind of Exploring phase which everyone I work was super supportive I am I really work at like a amazing place with amazing people Yeah, they them for now I'm still going through therapy obviously and I have been now for I think like

15:53 four years now every Friday, but yeah, so I don't I don't know where it'll go. But yeah, they them for now. Adding to the the question that you asked about why I asked about Fight Club The response was there's a part where Tyler Durden talks about his dad's advice, you know, his dad said go to college Okay, been to college now what get a career? Okay got a career now what get married? Okay. Now what you know what you were saying earlier in your your talk here Apparently made them think of that. So that makes sense, you know, okay I see the parallel now chat Yeah All right. So yeah, that that does make sense.

16:37 And yeah, again, I think it was you're kind of taught like, oh, if you do this, you'll be happy, right? Like if you buy a house, you'll be happy. If you get that promotion, you'll be happy. If you get a I don't know, a harder degree, right? Like an engineering degree, you're going to get a nice job. You're going to be happy. Well, maybe if you move out of Florida, you're going to be happy. And that's not really the case. And that was like one thing that I first started going to therapy for was like, I feel like I'm just going to the next milestone. Like. OK, like now, what do I need to do? Like, I'm not happy. What do I need to do now? Is it? Getting my masters.

17:27 Will that make me happy? Will I get if I get my PhD? Will I be happy? If I move up in the company that I'm currently out, will I be happy? So you keep looking externally for things that will make you happy. And yeah, I realized very quickly that I was getting worn out. I was getting worn out and physically like my health. It's kind of like, I don't want to say like declining, right? But like, I am the most out of shape I am now that I ever been in my life. So I'm like six one, right? I used to be like 140 pounds, which is way too skinny. But now I'm like 240, which is a lot more. I will say I was on the soccer team and I ran track. So Oddly enough, when you stop running like 10 miles a day, you're going to start gaining weight. But yeah, I just kind of. And I think also the thing that really hit me out here really hard when I first moved out here, because we moved. We moved into our place. Halloween 2021. 2021 was a very tough gray period. Our neighbors told us like, oh, that was a very abnormal, like more gray than usual. I did not know you're supposed to take

19:00 like vitamin D supplements. And from Florida, what the heck are vitamin D supplements? So I became very depressed pretty quickly. Part of it seasonal depression, part of it also just Not really knowing what I'm supposed to do with my life, right? I am And yeah, I think I think I reached a moment where I was like something has to change right like I I don't think I can keep going on the way that I'm currently going on like Oddly enough. I'm going to therapy which I couldn't really do I'm When my dad, for instance, was alive. And again, if you've never lived in the South, the South is like the polar opposite of the Pacific Northwest. No one talks about mental health. You're not supposed to talk about mental health. Like my father, I grew up listening to my father make fun of people who went to therapy.

20:15 So waste of money, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you don't place like places that you work at. They don't have mental health programs. They don't talk about it. You're not supposed to be yourself at work either. Like you show up to be the person that they want you like you show up and you become the person that they want you to be. And then when you leave work, you can be your your own person. Polar opposite from but the Pacific Northwest from what I've experienced so far So yeah, I was able to kind of get into therapy But the more therapy I had I I felt like I was getting like more and more depressed. Um so I realized like something had to change like I need to Kind of figure out who I am if I'm ever going to be happy. Um So yeah, Florida sucks I know some of you are probably wondering So I have mentioned that I'm married. I do have a wife. Like what does that? What does all of this mean to her?

21:23 I will say somehow right somehow I have found an amazing person I am And she we've talked obviously a lot and she was like, you know, you deserve to be happy Even if you transitioned, right? Even if you started growing boobs and she was like, I would prefer you not to, right? Like I'm not like attracted to women, but even if you grew boobs, I'm not going anywhere. Like you're still the same person I fell in love with. You're still the same person I love. It might be a little awkward when we lean in and kiss each other and I feel boobs press against me, but I'm not going anywhere. So I was like, okay, which obviously, if you come out to your to your wife, and you're having these thoughts, you know, I was kind of prepared for like a divorce. And I try to make sure that like, I would understand you like I try to make sure that she understood that I like I understood like, Hey, totally get this. Like if you're not into this if you want to leave that's fine We can still be friends everything like that. Like I don't want to feel like you're I don't want to make you feel like you're trapped in this at all But no, she's been super supportive Everyone has been super supportive, which is kind of surprising. I I'm not gonna

22:56 lie. I was expecting Career was over at work. I'm gonna lose all my friends. I'm gonna get a divorce. I'm gonna become homeless and see I had all like boom, whole life changes. And I think that's a lot of one coming from Florida, but then also like the fears of like just thinking about everything for, you know, your entire life. You kind of think things are going to go one way and you're often that's not the case. So that is good. What is Alex, what's chat saying now? Mostly that Florida sucks. Yeah, mostly Florida sucks. There's a lot of there's there's a lot of Florida sucks in the chat, which I can't I can't rightly disagree with Florida kind of sucks and we don't like it because it's Florida and Florida I don't go through Florida for a reason. I've been to Florida I have no desire to go back to Florida at this current point in time For many many reasons, but yeah, it's a lot right now. We're a lot of Florida sucks again A lot of people are kind of like echoing your your thing about self -fulfillment, right? And and you know, oh this thing's gonna make him but what's gonna make you happy? You know a lot of people happy for you and again, it's it's it's a lot of I think a lot of understanding I Think that there are a lot I think that the number of people Whether it's and it's not always necessarily sexuality but I think that the number

24:29 of people who at varying times in their lives for whatever reason struggle with a sense of identity right and I think that that's that's that's most we focus on it a lot these days when it comes to gender identity and sexual identity and things like that but I don't think that that's the only place it stems from and I think we would have a lot more understanding for people in the lgbtq plus community if if we frame it more from a position of everybody kind of struggles with identity who the fuck am I right like as a as a core thing and for some people that's sexuality for some it's gender for some something else so again i think there's a lot of people who whether they've they've done it in the form of of sexual or gender identity and i'm not speaking for anybody in the chat i think there's a lot of people who are going yeah i i don't i've gone through points in my life where i did not feel that sense of i feel comfortable in my own skin with who i am right and I think a lot of people go through that and and I think that that's why again I think we're getting some of the reaction that we're getting uh from chat again I think it's it's a lot of understanding again I I think that the way that you put it is really really good I think that a lot it you know and you and I I think had this discussion a while ago where where my theory has always been a lot of it is exposure and a lot of it is how you're introduced to the LGBTQ Plus community right and and that

25:59 that manner in which you are first because I think I told you about the first time like I Knew that I was around trans people and the environment that I was in and how that came to be Made it a lot easier for me to be like, okay. This is this is fine. This is normal like Yeah, cool, right And I, you know, I could, I could get myself into that frame of mind and not look back. And I think that, again, I think that, that stories like yours, situations like this, where you can, you can draw those parallels and explain it, I think puts it into a perspective for people that again, I don't think happens enough. If that makes sense. Yeah. I think, I think it totally does. And That's the really sad reality of Florida is that you have all these people are going through like. When you grow up in a place like northwest Florida, which is really just the south. It's the south. Yeah. In the south, you think you're like the only one going through it. You think you're the only. Weirdo, right? Like that's feeling this way or going through this when you're really not like. I Yeah, it's it's kind of crazy there was a study that came out I am When I was in

27:30 engineering school at FSU I am I think it was something like 50 % of all engineering students were like Depressed and then like a lower number was like suicidal. I am which is crazy because no one talks about it like No one talks about it. And I started advocating for mental health when I was at FSU. I got out of Florida pretty much as soon as I graduated from engineering school from FSU. And I remember my best friend in college, insanely smart guy, finished like Magna Coolade. I said that right. But Yeah, incredibly smart my best friend I I told him like what I was not gender, but I told him like how depressed I was and he was like Holy crap, dude, like you like no one No one would ever think that you're going through anything like you were like the happiest guy like you're the guy that everyone looks to and They're like Jay has it figured out Jay is like he's on a path. He's on a war path He is happy. He is the one that's always like laughing and joking He's like uplifting everyone else and I would like I'll never forget

29:02 it. He made a parallel between Myself and Robin Williams, and I don't want to compare myself to him at all Jesus, but because I think he's an amazing person But he was like you're like the person that makes everyone else laugh and feel happy and like at ease and then you're like super depressed and like struggling with like Suicidal thoughts and like no one no one knows it and I think This is a really sad thing for Florida that I'm really sad about is that everyone That could really make a change in Florida everyone that could change Florida, whether it be like mental health, whether it be LGBT or whatever.

29:52 They leave Florida like no one is that I saw me personally. I don't think that's just a Florida problem. I think that's anywhere that's that's of that. That similar cultural thing, right? And they talk about like rural brain drain and kids not going back to rural communities all over the country. And I think that's that's definitely Why that happens and I'll be honest, I don't know what the solution there is I really don't I have no idea Anyway I think yeah Unfortunately, I don't think it'll ever change with everyone leaving but also I don't blame it anyone for for believing like you'd need to be happy Yeah, what's that is That is my story. That is the very long explanation of my pronouns